I was very close to my grandma, my mom’s mom. She was surprisingly funny–she’d come up with a genius wise-crack when anyone least expected it. For some reason, they never saw it coming from her, and she could always make me laugh out loud. She had a supernatural gift in the kitchen–cooking in general, really, but she was a world-class baker. I am the baked-goods-snob I am today thanks to my grandma. Everything I know about baking a pie that is as delicious as it is beautiful, I learned from her.
Overall, my grandma taught me many things. But one thing I learned from her stands out above all others, and that was how to love unconditionally. I wish it was a lesson that I could pass on in words, but it’s not, because she didn’t sit me down and say, “Here are the steps, A, B, C, D, to being able to love without condition or judgement.”
Of course, she told me she loved me, and she said it often, but it was how she treated me and her actions that made me feel how deeply she loved me and let me know there was nothing I could do or say, even to her directly, that would diminish her feelings or stop her from loving me. It was a process of being on the receiving end of that kind of love over the course of decades that showed me what unconditional love looks like.
More than seeing it, the blessing was in experiencing it. That was where the true lesson lodged in. When you know what it feels like to be loved just for being you, it gives you an idea of how to do it for someone else. It’s more than loving despite a person’s shortcomings, and different than seeing them, blemishes and all, and loving them anyway. And it’s not ignoring things they do that might disappoint or embarrass you. That would feel like sweeping something under the rug or hiding them in a closet, but things you hide away have a habit of coming out to bite you in the behind when you least expect it.
I guess the closest I can come in explaining the secret to loving unconditionally is to let go of allowing the frustrating, irksome things to matter. You see them. They’re there, but they literally don’t matter. And they don’t make you see the person differently or love them any less. The special element to unconditional love is to just love. Like I said before, it’s a difficult concept to convey in words–and that’s pretty frustrating for someone who makes her living writing!
But I can say from personal experience that being loved with zero expectations or baggage is the single best gift anyone has ever given me. That’s not to say I’ve been able to pass it on easily. There’s been a learning curve that started after my grandma passed and I realized what she’d done for me. It was easy to love her the way she loved me, but I was in the habit of loving others in my life on the same scale–whatever conditions they put on our relationship, I would reciprocate. But by doing that, I wasn’t taking responsibility for my actions or, really, my life. Loving others on my own terms–on the terms my grandma had for loving me–was the best way to honor my grandmother and pay it forward.
So, every day I practice. Sometimes I nail it, sometimes I fail epically. But there’s always another chance to do better next time. If you haven’t experienced this level of acceptance and love firsthand, I’m sending a ton of it your way now. So try to feel it, using your imagination if you have to, and do your best to pass it on. Don’t go overboard if you don’t want to. Maybe pick one person (even an animal!) and try it with them, then build up from there.
And don’t judge yourself when you don’t hit the mark. After all, showing yourself unconditional love is a good way to experience it. So give yourself a break and make a mental note to do a little better tomorrow. Right now, couldn’t we all use a little more kindness, a little more love, and a lot less baggage? 💖
